ON INTRODUCING YOURSELF
So I’m working on my self-introduction. We’re supposed to write a little bit about ourselves – our name, where we’re from, what our hobbies are. Mine is not so promising. “Hi, my name is __________. Until recently, I was a college graduate who lived in my parents’ basement. I’ve never held a steady job. My hobbies include being lazy, mooching off my parents, and sleeping. In my spare time, I like to watch tv, play video games, and download music illegally from the internet.”

I think I need to change some of this before I actually use it…


ON ACRONYMS
So the JET Program is starting to get on my nerves. I don’t understand what anyone is saying because it’s all acronyms. I’m on the JET Program as an ALT (not a CIR or SEA). I’ll be working with JTE’s or at my BOE in JHSs. The JET Program is run by CLAIR and sponsored by MEXT, MOFA, and MIC. If I have trouble, I should go to my PA or my supervisor. I’m beginning to get Acronymphobia. … That sounded weird now that I break it down into syllables. Anyways, needless to say, I’m getting sick of acronyms.


ON CULTURAL EXCHANGES
It’s great spreading your culture and language to new people. I’ve been quite active in teaching my OL (Office Ladies) some English words. For instance, we learned the word “osen” (pollution) when they asked me if Lake Erie was beautiful. We learned “diahreabetes” when I tired to teach them how to say “diabetes”. It’s a great language exchange.


ON LOCO LOCOMOTION
So apparently there are issues on some crowded city trains where men try to grope women (my city isn’t bad – the trains are never that crowded). It’s gotten so bad that some lines have instituted women only cars. All I can say is that if any guy ever tries to grab my all-American tater-tots, he’s going to get his takonomiyaki deep fried.


ON SQUATTING WITH CAUTION
So I’m not a fan of squatter toilets (or squatty potties as my brother-in-law calls them). I swore that I would never use one. Never was quite quick in coming. The first day I arrived at my BOE, I had to go to the bathroom. Much to my dismay, the toilets were only squatters. During my many trips to the restroom after that first fateful attempt, I have had time to ponder the nature of the squatter toilets and why they never caught on in the United States. I eventually realized it’s a sexist thing. One thing that sets men and women apart in the US is what each gender is allowed to brag about. Women used to brag that they had a clean house and could prepare a nine-course meal. As the years went by and women got more liberated, they changed their bragging to say that they could do anything a man could do, to which the enlightened men would respond, “Oh yeah? Can you pee standing up? Can you write your name in the snow?” Well, gentlemen, guess what? Yeah, that’s right. It might not get marks for penmanship, but anything you can do, I can at least do without smelling like a latrine for the rest of the day.

Now, I have to admit to a certain amount of trepidation as to using these squatty potties for the first time. The first and foremost fear being that using the squatty-potty will lead to a messy-dressy. Also, there’s the fact that bugs tend to roam all over Japan, and these ain’t your cute little “itsy-bitsy spiders”. These are your Freakin-Huge-Bird-Eating-Spiders-of- Doom type of thing. And you can see them and their friends the pill bugs, the dragon flies, and other miscellaneous bits of insectology frolicking around and merrily enacting the food chain in the bathroom. I am, therefore, slightly worried about getting an arachnid enema. My biggest fear is that one day, as I’m going about my business, a spider will suddenly decide that it has a career in spelunking ahead of it.

Some quick hints for those of you who are worried about using these toilets.
1) Always wear a skirt.
You’d be amazed at how much easier it is to go in a skirt. This included you, gentlemen. If you have to go number 2, you’re going to have issues as well. Wear a kilt and tell everyone it’s a cultural thing.
Addendum: If your skirt has 2 high side slits, make sure the back of your skirt is out of the splash zone.
2) I may be crude to say, but life can be easier first if you remove your underwear.
This way, you don’t have to worry about it being in the way. Your first time using one of these can be stressful enough without trying to think of an excuse as to why a very strong smell is following you around all day.
3) USE THE BATHROOM SLIPPERS PROVIDED!
Never go in with your own shoes. Why? Well, to get into the nitty gritty, I’ll say that girls don’t have aiming devices like men do, so that makes it significantly hard to hit an object with any accuracy, no matter how large the object. Now add to this the fact that sometimes you may have children using the bathroom (and they couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn). They should post signs saying, “Squat with Caution: Children’s toilets” or something like that. Let’s just say if you see liquid on the floor, it’s best to assume it’s water splashed from the toilet. But it’s really not.
4) Bring your own hand towel.
If you are lucky, the restroom you use may have soap. If you are excessively lucky, it may have a hand dryer. If not, you might not have soap, and you certainly won’t have hand towels or a hand dryer. Get used to it.
5) Upon entering the stall, always sight for something you can grab onto if you lose your balance.
Not everyone has perfect balance, and one of the last things you want is to fall backwards into the toilet. Or into a puddle of whatever has missed the toilet. Sometimes, there’s a bar for you to grab, or you can grab the pipe connecting the tank to the hood.
6) Look on the walls to see if there is a sound-muffling device.
Some toilets will have some sort of running-water noise to mask any “embarrassing sounds” that may be produced in the bathroom. Of course, if you use said noises, everyone knows what kinds of “embarrassing sounds” you were producing, so I don’t see how that makes it any less embarrassing.

And that’s my tutorial for Japanese squatters. Remember, squat facing the hood of the toilet (they’re very specific about this, but I’m not sure why. Does it really matter which way you’re facing?). And if you have back or knee problems, just don’t drink anything during your stay in Japan.