On a Variety of Random Things that aren't Incredibly Funny because it's Late and I'm Tired

As I further explore the wonderful world of blogging, I've noticed that all blogs have one thing in common: they all promise to update often, and they never do. I've always liked to stick with the crowd (okay, that's a lie, but it's a useful lie, so it'll stay for now), so I blame the fact that I haven't updated on everyone else in the world who has a blog. 'Cause it's obviously not just because I'm lazy and didn't write anything. Obviously. Yeah. Anyways, onword and upward. As a warning, I have some humor in this entry that children would find amusing (potty humor - boogers and such hilarious things), so please don't read if you get offended by things like that. :-) Also, another warning. It's late, and I'm tired, and I didn't really compile my thoughts well on this one. So I ramble. A lot. Apologies. Feel free to give up reading half-way through.

On Further Fun with the Language
So I've spent many a day at my Board of Education over the past few weeks. There are no classes during winter break, so I have to go to the BOE during my working days. Don't get me wrong, my BOE is great. The people there are very friendly, and when I have breakdowns and cry at work (happened once, big no-no in Japan, horribly embarrasing, enough said), they're really nice about it (though that could just be because they think I'm emotionally unstable). Some of them even speak fairly decent English. But the thing about the BOE is that it's an office. A workplace. Where people do work. This may not sound like a problem to some of you, but remember that I don't really do a whole lot of work. So I've got nothing to do over these days. I sit and practice sleeping with my eyes open (which is harder than it sounds. Actually, no, it's probably just as hard as it sounds). In order to stave off boredom, I decided to start studying Japanese, which was, in retrospect, a bad idea. Nothing says boredom like studying. This from an aspiring teacher. How shameful.

As I was studying one day, I came across a word I didn't know. This happens quite frequently, as the books I study from are crap. They leave about half the terms untranslated. They want me to memorize things that I don't understand. I don't want to memorize a phrase unless I know exactly what I'm saying. If I don't, it's too easy to slip up and say something wrong (in Japanese, the words for "wake me up" and "rape me" are a single vowel sound apart. Slighlty worrying, ne? So I turned my book to the other AET at the BOE and asked her what "mottainai" means. She explained that it's a very important word in Japan. It means "What a waste!" or "Don't waste things!" In Japan, it's a huge taboo to waste food or items that could be re-used. They're like the Native Americans in the Farside cartoon. "Son, I don't know what this is, but it's the only part of the buffalo that we don't use." The Japanese use every part of the fish (my bonenkai story about that will be lots of fun) and various other creatures. And Japanese children are told to finish all their food. They don't throw away any of their cafeteria food. HUGE no-no. So this is a very serious word with a lot of meaning behind it.

Skip forward to that night. Tchan (as we shall call the other AET in my BOE) had me and some Japanese friends over for dinner that night. Her friends cooked sukiyaki (Japanese stew with lots of interesting stuff in it. Tastes very sweet), and we all sat around to eat (except 2 people, who rotated into seats, as there were only 5 chairs in her house). Everyone was having different conversations, but we all started keying into one conversation that Kkun (AET in a neighboring city) was having with some of the Jguys. The guys were talking about murders in Japan. The current one they were talking about was reminiscent of Hanibal Lechtor (spelled that wrong, didn't I?) Apparently, there was a guy in Japan who killed his wife, ate some of her, then cut up the rest and put it in his freezer. Everyone paused for a moment to be fully grossed out by this. Someone finally managed to ask why anyone would do that. Another person wondered why you would store the body in the freezer. We all paused again, contemplating this. Tchan looked up cheerfully and said, "Hey, mottainai, yo!". Everyone just stared at her. "What? Why waste food? Obviously his wife can't cook for him anymore, so he's going to need to save what food he has."

On Picking Weird Habits (among other things)
When a Japanese person refers to themselves, they will often ask, "Me?" and point to their noses. At first, I only saw little children and old ladies do this, but I am noticing it more and more. Sadly, I have started picking up this habit. Everytime someone asks my opinion, I'll point to my nose and say, "Me?" A small part of me dies everytime I do that. I like my American hand gestures. I like using my whole hand to indicate myself. In my mind, my finger should not be near my nose unless it's planning to extricate something.

On Wisdom
In Japan, Rock, Paper, Scissors is known as Janken. Before I came to Japan, I had no idea how much it was used over here. Practically every game we play in class, students must janken. Every major decision somehow involves Janken. Students Janken over who gets stuck playing the crappy instruments in band all year, over who gets the last scary looking squiggly vegetable thing for lunch, over who has to pick up the dead bird that somehow flew in the window over winter vacation and died in the classroom (that was an interesting janken session to watch)... I sometimes get the feeling that in the Japanese translation of the Bible, Solomon told the two women to janken over who got the baby. The Japanese would no doubt find this a very wise decision. Can't dispute a decision made by Janken. Instead of arguing over who gets to take over the Chrysanthemum throne, they really should just wait until all the heirs are old enough, then have them janken to see who gets to rule. Now there would be an interesting idea for the presidential race. Instead of doing revotes, the candidates should have to janken to see who gets to be President. Saves a lot of time and money for all parties involved. No more 6 month campaign full of stupid tv ads slurring other candidates. Just a solid janken session. Best out of 1. Ready? Go.

On Weenie English
I've been disturbed lately about the English that my students are being taught. With a few exceptions, my JTE's (Japanese teacher's of English) are pretty good. They can speak understandable English, understand the majority of what I say, and have decent pronunciation. However, they have one fault: they were not born in an English speaking country. This means that they must rely on the textbook and other books to teach them English and to teach their students English. This is leading to what I think is one of the worst problems in modern Japan: Weenie English. What do I mean by Weenie English? Well, it's kind of hard to explain. The best way to describe it is, "English that would get your butt kicked on any playground in America by any self-respecting American." When I teach my kids these phrases, sometimes I want to kick my own butt. It's that bad. It's English that is either used in countries other than America, or was used prior to the birth of George Washington. It's English that went out of style so long ago, we can't even remember when it was in style. William Shakespeare would probably give my kids a poke in the backside for using some of this old school English. Let me share some examples.

"Oh, I say. There's Mr. Murata. He is dandy."
??? What's dandy? I know the term "fine and dandy", but I've never heard dandy on it's own. My teachers described it as someone who may not be handsome, but has a good heart. Right. Maybe it meant that 600 years ago. Now it means, "Please kick my a@@, I'd a dork." And when's the last time you hailed someone with a cry of, "Oh, I say"? THAT'S certainly not likely to earn you a ticket to be scorned and ridiculed.

"I like sweets."
Sweets? Sweets? I don't believe I've ever heard an American use that term except to mock a Brit. Does the baby want a sweetie? Please, children, if you ever go to America, DON'T use that term around your peers.

"I'm going to play with my friends."
Remember, this is being taught to 8th and 9th graders. This is not practical Engilsh. No one uses that term except children. Well, children and psychopaths. Okay, children, psychopaths, and perverts. But that's not a set to which I'd like to belong.

"I like soccer. It makes me excited."
My eyebrows raised, but you can't see that. Someone who says this is OBVIOUSLY not going to get mocked mercilessly everytime they are seen with a soccer ball. (The other sentence that I like is "I like chocolate. It makes me happy." When reading that to my students, I said, "I like chocolate. It makes me fat." The English teacher just kind of looked at me, and I re-read it the right way. Japanese seriousness 1 Jessica 0)

To combat Weenie English, I think I'm going to come out with my own textbook. "20 ways to get your butt kicked in America." My book will include helpful slang guides, bad words, and grammar points to show you how to inflict maximum damage with your insults. It will include such helpful phrases as, "What are you looking at, punk?" And "Do you wanna fight?" "Kiss my a@@ (cultural note - "a@@" means buttocks, not donkey)." "What've you got in your hands there?" "Oh, no. Someone call 9-1-1!" You should really see the hand-written version, as it shows which syllables are emphasized and how to pronounce words in natural English. I think it'll sell well in Japan.